Musings and lonely realizations as dawn approaches.

My sense of purpose is again bothering me. I think the question, "Why am I here?", will burden me for the rest of my life. Lately, I have again been asking myself why I am in Saigon. I have asked myself that question a number of my times while I have been living here. Like while I was alone in my hotelroom looking at the cityscape on my first night here almost 2 years ago. And again when I was on the balcony of my apartment looking at the beautiful, but melancholic, sunset illuminating the Vietnamese ricefields in the province I was living in. Or when an officemate caught me staring at a picture of the Metro Rail Transit on my computer monitor. I could go on and on about the times that question came up, but I won't. Simply because it would be useless to go on and on about actively looking for the answer as to why I am here. Twenty-one months of living here hasn't brought me the answer yet. I guess the realization will come when it comes. Or it will come when slowly clear my head of the little devils prancing inside.


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I think frustrations and insecurities have permanently welded themselves inside my head. I am what you call closet inggitero. I turned 26 a few months ago and I suddenly thought, "Fuck, I am 26 and jobless". And that's when all the pent-up insecurities and frustrations that I have been trying to repress for the past few months resurfaced. I am 26 and trying to shift career paths and almost starting from scratch when I should already be a senior designer or design manager. I see other people younger than me who are successful in what they are doing and are doing what they enjoy doing. I am thinking why couldn't I be like them? I know that success is proportional to the effort you put in order to achieve it. That may be my problem. I am ambitious but not motivated. I have lots of plans but I procrastinate. I want to get things done but I lack initiative. Weird that I recognize these flaws yet do nothing about it. I remember what my mentor here in Saigon told me. We were talking about me going back to Manila because I was running out of resources. He told me not to give up and continue to stay here and tap unseen opportunities. I was adamant about my decision of going back by the end of the month since time was ticking and my resources were running really low. And then he said, "Fine, go back to Manila. It is okay to quit. I understand that you have given up". That sentence irked me and sparked a fire inside me. I snapped back at him and said,"DI on't you ever say that I have given up. You know why I need to go back to Manila. I cannot afford to live here any longer". Maybe that drove me to still stay in Saigon. Resources are still low, though. You can Western Union me if you want ;-p

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Emotions drive my decisions. I am usually emotionally stable, rather dull and boring in my opinion, but there are times when I get to the extremes: sad kung sad at happy kung happy, ika nga. I've observed that my 'happy peak times' are shorter than my angry or sad ones. That's the reason why I said that emotions drive my decisions. It's during these low times that I sometimes make life-changing decisions.

A good example would be my last employment. The working environment between me and my design director was not good. He was trying to give me more work than I could do and I, being the persistent people-pleaser, of course tried to finish all the work given to me that I was supposed to pass on to my staff. I thought that the work would get finished faster and that I would spare myself even more headaches if I did all the work myself and not delegate it to my graphic designers. I am a person who is very hard to please especially in terms of work output. So what happened was the pressure of trying to do all the work got to me and I actually snapped back at my design director when he tried stand behind me while I was finishing up something. I told him,"Can you just wait??? I will finish when I finish, and when I do I'll call you." I sort of regretted saying that when the impact of what I said hit me. So that rocky relationship between me and my design director just got worse and a few weeks later, when I was at an all-time low I decided to quit my job. He talked to me and offered to raise my salary and give me a few days off. I said no. He and his business partner again talked to me and offered me a Design Chief position plus double my salary and then a year's worth of bonus if I stayed with them for 3 more months. They said that the 3 months would give me more time to think if i really wanted to go or not. I felt that I was in a position of power and was compelled to be adamant about my decision. I hated my design director and I wanted to go as soon as possible. And of course, when I finally stopped working and my hatred for my design director subsided a little, I realized that I lost monetary compensation big time. If only I stayed 3 more months I could've received compensation that's seven times the amount I was earning monthly. But I was trying to prove a point with them. I wanted to show them that they could not buy me out. That I was NOT after the money. Right now broke as I am I'm thinking, fuck that, it's ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. Hahaha.

Move your lazy (cute) ass.

I know. It's been weeks since my last post. I have a good excuse, Tet Holiday aka Chinese New Year in Vietnam....uhh okay some of you may point out that the Tet Holiday is only 9 days long but the weeks prior to and after usually slows people down. So there.

Actually tinatamad lang talaga ako mag-post. Though maraming nangyari sa akin the past month. Tapos... gotta go. Someone's waiting for me.

So what's new with me?

It's been a week since I got back from travelling, and I still haven't switched back to saigon-mode. Coming back here is actually depressing. Back to unemployment and the long wait for THE call. Back to plastikan with housemates. Back to staying at the house all day as to keep myself from spending money. I only lasted three days without ever leaving the house. So shoot me, I want to make gala eh. Back to the exciting nightlife. Back to putting up with and hanging out with bading locals who like me (ehem) just so that I can have a social life and be in the IT places. I think I do it to keep things balanced. It's either I become mad from putting up with the people I live with or become mad from putting up with the locals. Either way, I still end up half-mad from them both.

Oh, so what's new with me? I got a new piercing. It's a Prince Albert. For those who know what that is, I'm expecting to hear "What the hell were you thinking when you decided to get that???" You must be crazy. Indeed I am. To those who don't know what a Prince Albert piercing is, please google it and then tell me what you think. It's actually nice, can't wait to try it.

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I didn't get one. I'm not that crazy. Yet. But I did get another piercing. The original first piercing that I had planned a year ago. I got queasy about having my ear pierced so I just had my brow pierced. I know I have a weird sense of what is queasy or not. It was actually a spontaneous thing. I was in bangkok and didn't have anything which would mark or commemorate my visit there. (I'm lying again. Of course I commemorated my bangkok visit the prior evening with a little sumthin' sumthin, but that's another story.) So, out of spontaneity, I had my ear pierced. Also wanted to get a tattoo on my ring finger, but backed out due to insufficient baht available on me.

Also wanted to get my hair dreadlocked as almost every tourist in the area I was staying was having their hair done. Blame the pressure of society. I had to stop myself though, as I suddenly remembered that I have no hair to begin with. Saved me from getting the weird stares and probably the thai curses too if I had actually gone and asked the hairstylist to do me. On the street. That didn't sound right. But it's true, they were doing the dreadlocking on the street.

Oh, I also got myself an 'authentic reproduction of a new antiqued bronze buddha head' and 'authentic reproduction of a new antiqued bronze dancing shiva-impaled-on-an-asparagus-looking-plant'. Hinduism and buddhism idols in my room. Now I have bronze idols to pray the rosary to.

What else is new? Oh, I bought 2 sets of 'hippie tourist backpacker clothes'. What the heck is that, you ask? It's easy. Just think 'hippie tourist backpacker clothes' and you'll get what I mean. Got it? Good. Smart. I don't know why I bought them though. I don't know where to wear them. The pants may be good for yoga. And the shirts for when I want to look artsy-fartsy or if I want that 'oh-did-you-just-go-to-thailand?' look.

Hmm, what else? Oh, yeah, I bought nail clippers in bangkok!!! Had to buy one as my nails looked like there were all ready to be french manicured. I put it back in the packaging after using it though. Figured I could still use it as pasalubong when I get home. I'll just say, 'O, galing pang bangkok yang nailcutter na yan ha. Wag mo yang nila-lang, imforted yan'.

Greetings from bangkok!

Ayoko na umuwi sa saigon. Yun lang ang masasabi ko. bwahahaha.

Greetings from Siem Reap

Ayun. Greetings nga from siem reap. nasusuka na ako sa mga temples dito. puro na lang temples.

Pero maraming boylets. pramis. may isa half-pinoy ata. or french na mukha lang pinoy. hihihihi.

pero andami pa ring mga temples. pakshet.

i didn't know how nice it is to wake up and have french bread and french cream for breakfast ;p

Oh my God, I am alone for Christmas.

Well, not really alone for Christmas Eve as I will be joining the throngs of expats who'll be celebrating Christmas on the streets. But it's still 'alone' alone.

My housemates just left for Manila a few hours ago. Now alone in this big house with Basil Valdez singing in the background. Ngayon at Kailanman. Du Ma.

This is weird. Now I am sort of regretting the decision of not going back to Manila for Christmas. But when I start to weigh the cost of going back there as opposed to staying here and travelling, I again start to think that staying here is a better option. A ticket to Manila would cost almost the same as travelling through cambodia and bangkok, plus hotel accommodations and food. And I am so sure that I will have to spend money back home since it's Christmas.

Hay. Must have work soon. Lots of freetime is not good. And I wish that the next work is not here.

It's a good thing I just live on the 3rd floor.

Else I would've already jumped to my death out of boredom.

I was looking at a new apartment today. Cheap for its size and new too. And no furnishings whatsoever. A big plus is that its on the 9th floor. I might do my bungee-jumping-out-of-boredom there.

Problem is I don't know how long I'll be here. And money is running low. I need that project to push through. But if it pushes through, I won't be here.

So this is a monologue. Just want to tell you as early as now so that you won't have to go through reading it all and then thinking what a lousy writer I am. So please scram if you wouldn't want to read the ramblings of a bored man.

I am looking at my wall. Full of post-it notes. "The 4 seasons: winter(jan-mar), spring(apr-jun), summer(jul-sept), fall(oct-dec)". "Fedex address. TNT address. DHL address." "Gift for cocay". "Meeting with client TOMORROW AT 2PM". "JobsDB here. JobsDB there". "Follow up this and that"

It's 12:15AM now. And I am still wide awake. There's an empty cup of tea on my left. It's the caffeine working. Should I or should I not drink the Valium in my drawer?

Why the hell is Marinel singing "The voice within" in my iTunes. Fuckin bitch. There. Sing your Flake song Jack Johnson.

I want my own Jack Johnson. But the Johnsons here want femmy, frail, ugly, gossipmongering Vietnamese with very bad teeth. I think there's something wrong with the Johnsons here. Loose screws in the head. Or maybe it's me that have loose screws and not them?

Luxemboy sent me an email. He just got back from his mission in cape verde. Granny's sick so he'll be spending Christmas in Luxembourg. Wants to know my whereabouts this year so he can go there. I'd rather he go where I am, then we go to Europe and marry. Marry? What the fuck, I am becoming a moneyboy. Anyway, I would want us to go to Berlin so I could say this to germanboy's face: "F you germanboy! You perfect sex you! You spitswapping you! You yummy you!! Mmmm!" Bwahahaha.

I think I'll just finish the remaining half-pack of cigs I still have so I can stare at the ceiling all night. Goodnight.