Miss I'm Gone

Musings and lonely realizations as dawn approaches.

2007-02-27T04:39:00.000+08:00

My sense of purpose is again bothering me. I think the question, "Why am I here?", will burden me for the rest of my life. Lately, I have again been asking myself why I am in Saigon. I have asked myself that question a number of my times while I have been living here. Like while I was alone in my hotelroom looking at the cityscape on my first night here almost 2 years ago. And again when I was on the balcony of my apartment looking at the beautiful, but melancholic, sunset illuminating the Vietnamese ricefields in the province I was living in. Or when an officemate caught me staring at a picture of the Metro Rail Transit on my computer monitor. I could go on and on about the times that question came up, but I won't. Simply because it would be useless to go on and on about actively looking for the answer as to why I am here. Twenty-one months of living here hasn't brought me the answer yet. I guess the realization will come when it comes. Or it will come when slowly clear my head of the little devils prancing inside.

----

I think frustrations and insecurities have permanently welded themselves inside my head. I am what you call closet inggitero. I turned 26 a few months ago and I suddenly thought, "Fuck, I am 26 and jobless". And that's when all the pent-up insecurities and frustrations that I have been trying to repress for the past few months resurfaced. I am 26 and trying to shift career paths and almost starting from scratch when I should already be a senior designer or design manager. I see other people younger than me who are successful in what they are doing and are doing what they enjoy doing. I am thinking why couldn't I be like them? I know that success is proportional to the effort you put in order to achieve it. That may be my problem. I am ambitious but not motivated. I have lots of plans but I procrastinate. I want to get things done but I lack initiative. Weird that I recognize these flaws yet do nothing about it. I remember what my mentor here in Saigon told me. We were talking about me going back to Manila because I was running out of resources. He told me not to give up and continue to stay here and tap unseen opportunities. I was adamant about my decision of going back by the end of the month since time was ticking and my resources were running really low. And then he said, "Fine, go back to Manila. It is okay to quit. I understand that you have given up". That sentence irked me and sparked a fire inside me. I snapped back at him and said,"DI on't you ever say that I have given up. You know why I need to go back to Manila. I cannot afford to live here any longer". Maybe that drove me to still stay in Saigon. Resources are still low, though. You can Western Union me if you want ;-p

---

Emotions drive my decisions. I am usually emotionally stable, rather dull and boring in my opinion, but there are times when I get to the extremes: sad kung sad at happy kung happy, ika nga. I've observed that my 'happy peak times' are shorter than my angry or sad ones. That's the reason why I said that emotions drive my decisions. It's during these low times that I sometimes make life-changing decisions.

A good example would be my last employment. The working environment between me and my design director was not good. He was trying to give me more work than I could do and I, being the persistent people-pleaser, of course tried to finish all the work given to me that I was supposed to pass on to my staff. I thought that the work would get finished faster and that I would spare myself even more headaches if I did all the work myself and not delegate it to my graphic designers. I am a person who is very hard to please especially in terms of work output. So what happened was the pressure of trying to do all the work got to me and I actually snapped back at my design director when he tried stand behind me while I was finishing up something. I told him,"Can you just wait??? I will finish when I finish, and when I do I'll call you." I sort of regretted saying that when the impact of what I said hit me. So that rocky relationship between me and my design director just got worse and a few weeks later, when I was at an all-time low I decided to quit my job. He talked to me and offered to raise my salary and give me a few days off. I said no. He and his business partner again talked to me and offered me a Design Chief position plus double my salary and then a year's worth of bonus if I stayed with them for 3 more months. They said that the 3 months would give me more time to think if i really wanted to go or not. I felt that I was in a position of power and was compelled to be adamant about my decision. I hated my design director and I wanted to go as soon as possible. And of course, when I finally stopped working and my hatred for my design director subsided a little, I realized that I lost monetary compensation big time. If only I stayed 3 more months I could've received compensation that's seven times the amount I was earning monthly. But I was trying to prove a point with them. I wanted to show them that they could not buy me out. That I was NOT after the money. Right now broke as I am I'm thinking, fuck that, it's ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. Hahaha.

Move your lazy (cute) ass.

2007-02-23T20:17:00.000+08:00

I know. It's been weeks since my last post. I have a good excuse, Tet Holiday aka Chinese New Year in Vietnam....uhh okay some of you may point out that the Tet Holiday is only 9 days long but the weeks prior to and after usually slows people down. So there.

Actually tinatamad lang talaga ako mag-post. Though maraming nangyari sa akin the past month. Tapos... gotta go. Someone's waiting for me.

So what's new with me?

2007-01-16T00:56:00.000+08:00

It's been a week since I got back from travelling, and I still haven't switched back to saigon-mode. Coming back here is actually depressing. Back to unemployment and the long wait for THE call. Back to plastikan with housemates. Back to staying at the house all day as to keep myself from spending money. I only lasted three days without ever leaving the house. So shoot me, I want to make gala eh. Back to the exciting nightlife. Back to putting up with and hanging out with bading locals who like me (ehem) just so that I can have a social life and be in the IT places. I think I do it to keep things balanced. It's either I become mad from putting up with the people I live with or become mad from putting up with the locals. Either way, I still end up half-mad from them both.

Oh, so what's new with me? I got a new piercing. It's a Prince Albert. For those who know what that is, I'm expecting to hear "What the hell were you thinking when you decided to get that???" You must be crazy. Indeed I am. To those who don't know what a Prince Albert piercing is, please google it and then tell me what you think. It's actually nice, can't wait to try it.

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

I didn't get one. I'm not that crazy. Yet. But I did get another piercing. The original first piercing that I had planned a year ago. I got queasy about having my ear pierced so I just had my brow pierced. I know I have a weird sense of what is queasy or not. It was actually a spontaneous thing. I was in bangkok and didn't have anything which would mark or commemorate my visit there. (I'm lying again. Of course I commemorated my bangkok visit the prior evening with a little sumthin' sumthin, but that's another story.) So, out of spontaneity, I had my ear pierced. Also wanted to get a tattoo on my ring finger, but backed out due to insufficient baht available on me.

Also wanted to get my hair dreadlocked as almost every tourist in the area I was staying was having their hair done. Blame the pressure of society. I had to stop myself though, as I suddenly remembered that I have no hair to begin with. Saved me from getting the weird stares and probably the thai curses too if I had actually gone and asked the hairstylist to do me. On the street. That didn't sound right. But it's true, they were doing the dreadlocking on the street.

Oh, I also got myself an 'authentic reproduction of a new antiqued bronze buddha head' and 'authentic reproduction of a new antiqued bronze dancing shiva-impaled-on-an-asparagus-looking-plant'. Hinduism and buddhism idols in my room. Now I have bronze idols to pray the rosary to.

What else is new? Oh, I bought 2 sets of 'hippie tourist backpacker clothes'. What the heck is that, you ask? It's easy. Just think 'hippie tourist backpacker clothes' and you'll get what I mean. Got it? Good. Smart. I don't know why I bought them though. I don't know where to wear them. The pants may be good for yoga. And the shirts for when I want to look artsy-fartsy or if I want that 'oh-did-you-just-go-to-thailand?' look.

Hmm, what else? Oh, yeah, I bought nail clippers in bangkok!!! Had to buy one as my nails looked like there were all ready to be french manicured. I put it back in the packaging after using it though. Figured I could still use it as pasalubong when I get home. I'll just say, 'O, galing pang bangkok yang nailcutter na yan ha. Wag mo yang nila-lang, imforted yan'.

Greetings from bangkok!

2006-12-30T23:51:00.000+08:00

Ayoko na umuwi sa saigon. Yun lang ang masasabi ko. bwahahaha.

Greetings from Siem Reap

2006-12-28T10:41:00.000+08:00

Ayun. Greetings nga from siem reap. nasusuka na ako sa mga temples dito. puro na lang temples.

Pero maraming boylets. pramis. may isa half-pinoy ata. or french na mukha lang pinoy. hihihihi.

pero andami pa ring mga temples. pakshet.

i didn't know how nice it is to wake up and have french bread and french cream for breakfast ;p

Oh my God, I am alone for Christmas.

2006-12-23T11:35:00.000+08:00

Well, not really alone for Christmas Eve as I will be joining the throngs of expats who'll be celebrating Christmas on the streets. But it's still 'alone' alone.

My housemates just left for Manila a few hours ago. Now alone in this big house with Basil Valdez singing in the background. Ngayon at Kailanman. Du Ma.

This is weird. Now I am sort of regretting the decision of not going back to Manila for Christmas. But when I start to weigh the cost of going back there as opposed to staying here and travelling, I again start to think that staying here is a better option. A ticket to Manila would cost almost the same as travelling through cambodia and bangkok, plus hotel accommodations and food. And I am so sure that I will have to spend money back home since it's Christmas.

Hay. Must have work soon. Lots of freetime is not good. And I wish that the next work is not here.

It's a good thing I just live on the 3rd floor.

2006-12-20T01:00:00.000+08:00

Else I would've already jumped to my death out of boredom.

I was looking at a new apartment today. Cheap for its size and new too. And no furnishings whatsoever. A big plus is that its on the 9th floor. I might do my bungee-jumping-out-of-boredom there.

Problem is I don't know how long I'll be here. And money is running low. I need that project to push through. But if it pushes through, I won't be here.

So this is a monologue. Just want to tell you as early as now so that you won't have to go through reading it all and then thinking what a lousy writer I am. So please scram if you wouldn't want to read the ramblings of a bored man.

I am looking at my wall. Full of post-it notes. "The 4 seasons: winter(jan-mar), spring(apr-jun), summer(jul-sept), fall(oct-dec)". "Fedex address. TNT address. DHL address." "Gift for cocay". "Meeting with client TOMORROW AT 2PM". "JobsDB here. JobsDB there". "Follow up this and that"

It's 12:15AM now. And I am still wide awake. There's an empty cup of tea on my left. It's the caffeine working. Should I or should I not drink the Valium in my drawer?

Why the hell is Marinel singing "The voice within" in my iTunes. Fuckin bitch. There. Sing your Flake song Jack Johnson.

I want my own Jack Johnson. But the Johnsons here want femmy, frail, ugly, gossipmongering Vietnamese with very bad teeth. I think there's something wrong with the Johnsons here. Loose screws in the head. Or maybe it's me that have loose screws and not them?

Luxemboy sent me an email. He just got back from his mission in cape verde. Granny's sick so he'll be spending Christmas in Luxembourg. Wants to know my whereabouts this year so he can go there. I'd rather he go where I am, then we go to Europe and marry. Marry? What the fuck, I am becoming a moneyboy. Anyway, I would want us to go to Berlin so I could say this to germanboy's face: "F you germanboy! You perfect sex you! You spitswapping you! You yummy you!! Mmmm!" Bwahahaha.

I think I'll just finish the remaining half-pack of cigs I still have so I can stare at the ceiling all night. Goodnight.

Dilemmas, dilemmas.

2006-12-09T01:12:00.000+08:00

So technically I am still unemployed. I am basically freelancing for 2 companies right now. Company 1 wants me to work for them full-time. Company 2 wants to bring in new business by entering a new market segment. They've asked me to float around as my expertise would help them grab that market. But they have no assurance that it would be a success. For both companies, I have agreed to work with them for an hourly fee. And I have invested a total of 10 hours or so for both of them.

Early today, I accepted Company 1's offer of a full-time job. They haven't replied to my email yet as the boss is going overseas for the christmas break.

Legally, I am not yet bound to any contracts. I haven't signed anything from both parties yet.

A few days ago, I met with a businessman looking to set-up an office here. I primarily agreed to meet-up with him for possible opportunities. He wanted to meet-up to learn more about the Vietnamese market. I honestly told him that the market was very promising, the problem was that the local manpower is not yet ready. Better invest by hiring expats, but that would cost him. He knew that I was freelancing at the moment and that I am open to opportunities in other countries. He asked me to send him my portfolio so he could forward it to some of his contacts. I sent it to him this afternoon.

A few minutes ago, I received an email from him with an invitation to move to their company's branch office in another country. He wants me to go there to have a transfer of technology: my expertise to his staff, and his staff's expertise to me. He said it would be good to diversify my portfolio. The catch is, it would only be for 6 months. After that, they would reassess the situation. If all is well, I would go back to Vietnam to pioneer the office they will set-up here. If not, I do not know yet. Maybe unemployment again.

I am inclined to accept his offer. The problem is what will happen to me after six months. That I would have to ask him.

Decisions, decisions. I hate being an adult.

On the Nature of Love

2006-11-29T23:12:00.000+08:00

The night is black and the forest has no end;
a million people thread it in a million ways.
We have trysts to keep in the darkness,
but where or with whom- of that we are unaware.
But we have this faith- that a lifetime's bliss
will appear any minute, with a smile upon its lips.
Scents, touches, sounds, snatches of songs brush us,
pass us, give us delightful shocks.
Then peradventure there's a flash of lightning:
whomever I see that instant I fall in love with.
I call that person and cry:
'This life is blest! For your sake such miles have I traversed!'
All those others who come close and
moved off in the darkness - I dont know if they exist or not.

So sisterettes what do i do?

2006-11-29T02:07:00.000+08:00

Ayun. Di ba nga ang major reason kaya ako pumunta ng phnom penh ay para makita uli si germanboy at makausap at makachuva for one last time? Tapos, umiral na naman ang aking pagkaromantic kaya binigyan ko sya ng dvd copy ng 'Beyond Borders' with matching poem ni Rabrindranath Tagore entitled 'On The Nature Of Love'. Ang explanation ko was, naalala kita nung napanood ko ang movie na itech at swak na swak ang poem sa movie. Of course, tarush lang yun kasi para sa kanya talaga yung poem. Swak na swak for us. I-google nyo itey. Ang sagot lang nya is, 'how sweet of you' at 'i will send you an email with an honest reply of what i thought of the film'. hihihi. Of course parang sinaksak ako ng ilang beses kasi I was expecting na hihingin na nya ang kamay ko para magpakasal. Choz. Basta ayun.

I think I didn't stress enough how sad I was to leave Phnom Penh because I feel that our meeting might be our last. And i figured that he was probably like that. Ibig kong sabihin is, he is affectionate when you are around. When you are not, his priority is work. So ayun, nagmind set na ako na it was just casual sex, kahit na labs na labs ko sya. Sabio ko nga sa kanya, ple sase stop being cute. Please stop being charming. The red lips, the wild chuva, the near perfect sex ika nga. But I think that was all there was to it, just near perfect casual sex for him and myself. With a bit of affection, but not enough to call it love.

May back-up pa ako. My german friend is going to Phnom Penh tomorrow. Hiningi ang number ni germanboy. Kakausapin yata para maintindihan kung ano talaga ang nasa utak ni germanboy. So sabi ko, bahala ka kung ano ang mapagusapan nyo (pero sana maungkat mo kung he feels the same way). hihihi. At least kung hindi, eh di tapos. May closure.

In a lot of ways, napakafrustrating nya. We connect when we talk. We have the same views on sex. The chuva is near perfect. He is into asians. I am into germans(who look and talk and have humor like him). The only problem is logistics. Distance. Priorities.

I know mga pang-lima or anim na beses ko nang ipinanata ang "please lord, maging kami lang ni (name of crush or recent obsession) magiging kuntento na ako". Kaya uulitin ko uli, "please lord, sana po lumipat ng saigon si germanboy para makapagdate kami at magiging kuntento na ako". hay.

so yun.

pasok naman si luxembourgish boy. i know i am a slut, but what can i do? luxembourgish boy and I had a very interesting and special night of conversation together. I think we spent around 5 or 6 hours of just talking about anything. His sense of humor was as sarcastic as mine. He had this cute lisp when he speaks. And I love those deep blue eyes. And he does humanitarian aid just like germanboy. Fuck, why do I always fall for those types? The only problem with luxembourgish boy is superficial. He is a bit on the heavy side. Make him thin, and he's soo cute. But his family's genes tend to make them chubby. He was quick to defend himself though. He said that he already is the smallest in his family. And he loses and gains weight fast. Pinakita nya yung picture nya sa akin last year. Ay, medyo payat. May pag-asa. So baka pwede na ito. Nung nag-uusap kami, tatlong beses kaming pareho ang sinabi. Sabi nya, may kaugalian daw sa kanila na pag nangyari yun, pwede kang magwish. So nagwish kami pareho. Nung hinatid ko sya sa airport, sabi nya sa akin na dalawa raw sa wish nya yung nagkatotoo. Yung una ay sana magkita kami. Nagkatotoo. Pangalawa ay sana masira ang eroplano para ma-delay ang flight nya. Di nagkatotoo. That was five days ago. Kanina habang kumakain ako ng dinner at ini-imagine si germanboy nakatanggap ako ng tawag. Aba, si luxembourgish boy pala, live phone patch from luxembourg. Nagdidinner ako noon sa fourth floor ng building at nagulat na lang ako nang biglang nagkumpol-kumpol ang mga motor sa kalsada ng saigon sa ibaba. AY! humaba pala ang hair ko. pasensya na. hahaha. pero sa totoo lang, nagulat ako. di ko akalaing tatawag. kumustahan, kailan ka babalik dito? Malungkot dito sa saigon kasi wala ka. chenes, chenes. send ko sayo yung CV ko for my scholarship and my shengen visa, okay? hahaha. pero totoo, inalok nya akong pumunta dun. gamitin ko raw miles nya...

fuck, shempre tuloy-tuloy akong nagtype. lasing and blogging on a tuesday. what the heck. pero i can think clearly no. naisip ko lang, with all that i've said. which is more important? the one you love or the one who loves you?

martir ako, so i go with the one i love. on the other hand, yung isa is also kinda cute and is like an "investment" if you know what i mean. confused na naman ako.

Greetings from Phnom Penh

2006-11-26T13:27:00.000+08:00

hehe. wala lang. just posting from an internet cafe in cambodia. gusto kong magmigrate dito. ang guguwapo ng mga lalaking cambodian. grabe. ER as in ER. shyet. lumabas ako kagabi kasama yung canadian na nakilala ko sa bus. syempre akala nya straight ako so nagpa-"pare" kami sa isa't isa. hahaha. yung bartender kagabi gusto ko ngang sunggaban sa sobrang yummy. shyet. makakalimutan ko si germanboy nito ng di oras. hahaha.

ay oo nga pala no? sya pala ang pinuntahan ko dito. hihihi.

S&M and paranoia

2006-11-17T00:51:00.000+08:00

this is classic me. listening to desree's "missing you" while thinking incessantly of the person i miss most. that's you, germanboy. come to think of it, it's not really him i miss. it's the feeling i get when i am with him, which he just happens to personify. so, selfish as it may sound (and i am selfish), it's not the person i miss, it's that damn feeling he gives me. i think. hehe.

and then i continue to submit myself to sad, sad songs. the first time i love forever. to be near you. tattoed on my mind. don't know what to say. ricardo villalobos house music. hehe, okay the last one is not classifiable as music for the heart, but hey, he introduced me to that dj's music. i think that this form of sadomasochism is slowly eating me up. i'm thinking why the hell didn't you get his phone number when he was offering it to you? stupid you. why did you have to send him 3 emails within the week?? stupid stupid. well i do a lot of stupid stuff when i am in this state. that's my justification. i am entitled to behave in stupid ways right now. ;p

a friend was in phnom penh early this week. and i sort of suggested to him in a subtle way to ask around for germanboy. i'm thinking he may have found located him, knowing how well connected he is. but the thing is, this friend has a thing for me. so the paranoid in me says that he might have found germanboy but has told me off. that's why i haven't heard from germanboy yet. fuck. this is bad. i mean, why am i even thinking this? this is really bad.

recently, i've been spending a lot of time reading my horoscope. love, daily life, career. and for the past weeks, it has hit me right on the spot. it may just be because i haven't been thinking clearly, but what the heck. i need some sort of guidance right now. i just read my career horoscope for today: Personal issues could be interfering with work now. Block out time to take a break -- or plan to leave early -- and deal with them rather than attending meetings or trying to be productive in a distracted state. so true. then guess what my love horoscope said. The stars say it's time for you to shake it off. Stop obsessing about the past. Everything that happened was meant to bring you to this moment. Your open and giving heart is intact. Take it for a spin. haha, what the fuck? fine, i will try to do that.

but i will still go to phnom penh next week and look for him.

German Sausage

2006-11-07T12:11:00.000+08:00

So German Sausage and myself finally met up last night. We went out to have dinner, then went bar-hopping and had a few beers. We then went to this 'popular' vietnamese disco house out of curiosity's sake. we went in and got our beers then settled in on a table at the second floor where we could see the crowd below. the music was so bad. the vietnamese crowd did their famous silly and out-of-sync dance as usual. but both of us had fun. we had fun dissing and making fun of the crowd dancing below. not really a good thing, but at least we had something to laugh at. haha. then we went back to his hotel for a couple more beers and then some.

it was truly one of the best nights i had for months. given that we barely knew each other, we got along quite well. plus, he was laughing at my jokes. for people who know me, my jokes are just damn too corny. so the fact that he was laughing at my corny jokes was something. siguro napilitan lang tumawa, hehe.

i had a good time with him. and i saw that he felt the same. i suddenly felt the urge to say something really romantically stupid. good thing i didn't. so instead of saying, 'I really like you. Maybe after phnom phenh, you could consider working in saigon?', i just said 'why are all the good-looking and interesting men in cambodia?'. hehe, okay lang ba yung ko mga manash? LOL.

one thing i appreciated was when he said that he was sorry that we only got to hang out last night, it would've been better if we met earlier during his stay here. eh di pupuntahan na lang kita sa phnom phenh, i said to myself. hay. i like this feeling. hihihi. hindi pa pala ako manhid.

he's leaving for cambodia in 30 minutes. I again fought the urge to do something romantic and go with him to the airport. ano ako, bufra? lol. pero sana oo. tapos andito sya. sheht.

i do hope that he sends me a message when he gets back in phnom phenh. that would be my sign that i should go visit him there too before he returns to berlin early december.

hay german sausage, bakit ka adorable?

kugs the drunkard

2006-11-05T04:53:00.000+08:00

It's 4am. I just got home. I am fighting the urge to type senseless things. I am so sleepy. I think I'm even typing this with my eyes closed. Oh yeah I did. The typing lessons paid off. Haha, i'm really drunk, i almots wrote paid as payed. what the fuck. haha. okay i will go to sleep now. i swear i will never drink more thatn 2 liters of beer ever again.

i take that back. i will try not to drink more than 2 liters of beer again if i know i have a morning business meeting. fuck beer. you are the root of all evil. and hangovers. oh shit. i want ot sleep..but my world spins when i close me eyes. i want to vomit but i dont want to waste all that expensive beer i drank. hahaha. beer in saigon is so expensive. 1 san mig light costs roughly P122.00. to think that i chose to drink the cheapest beer they have. i drank a few bottles of the 650ml per bottle BGI beer which costs the same. what the fuck am i saying? haha im drunk. but not drunk enough to get raped. raped??? haha. shit. i should sleep. vavush.

New Friendships

2006-11-01T23:37:00.000+08:00

In times of desolation and frustration, meeting new friends is like a breath of fresh air. You know, I'm not really someone who is all giddy whenever I find new relationships, but my (kind of) recent introduction to these two guys was a surprise.

In fact being with them helped me forget all my anxiety, worries, and sometimes, desperation. Though some people would say that talking about your problems would really help ease the burden inside, I beg to differ. Sometimes the opposite is also as effective. When I'm with these guys, our collective silence slowly does make me feel good inside.

Anyway, I got a date with both of them tonight. Hehehe :D

To my good friend Charles Garrett (who I affectionately call 'C') and my little prince Val Hume...thank you guys!

Do you have ADD?

2006-10-19T17:32:00.000+08:00

ADD

It has been years that I've entertained the posssibility of me having Attention Deficit Disorder. I'm pretty sure that it's not ADHD or Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. I'm certainly not hyperactive, most of the people who know me would definitely agree....

Come to think of it, I recall watching several home videos of me when I was a child where I was really moving a lot and talking a lot. I was also this authoritative little brat in elementary. And I think I just came around all of a sudden and became this bookish loner come Grade 5. But that's another story. So maybe I did have undiagnosed ADHD before, hehehe.

Anyway, last night, I finally got myself to research on Adult ADD. I came across this website that would help you determine the possibility of you having ADD. Here's the checklist I answered:

0 = never
1 = rarely
2 = occasionally
3 = frequently
4 = very frequently
IMPORTANT: This is not a tool for self-diagnosis. Its purpose is simply to help you determine whether ADD may be a factor in the behavior of the person you are assessing using this checklist. An actual diagnosis can be made only by an experienced professional. If you need a referral to such a professional in your area, contact your local chapter of CH.A.D.D. (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder).

Past History
1.(1) History of ADD symptoms in childhood, such as distractibility, short attention span, impulsivity or restlessness. ADD doesn't start at age 30.
2.(2) History of not living up to potential in school or work (report cards with comments such as "not living up to potential")
3.(1) History of frequent behavior problems in school (mostly for males)
4.(0) History of bed wetting past age 5
5.(0) Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems

Short Attention Span/Distractibility
6.(3) Short attention span, unless very interested in something
7.(3) Easily distracted, tendency to drift away (although at times can be hyper focused)
8.(3) Lacks attention to detail, due to distractibility
9.(3) Trouble listening carefully to directions
10. (3) Frequently misplaces things
11. (2) Skips around while reading, or goes to the end first, trouble staying on track
12. (2) Difficulty learning new games, because it is hard to stay on track during directions
13. (2) Easily distracted during sex, causing frequent breaks or turn-offs during lovemaking
14. (2) Poor listening skills
15. (4)Tendency to be easily bored (tunes out)

Restlessness
16. (3) Restlessness, constant motion, legs moving, fidgetiness
17. (1) Has to be moving in order to think
18. (1) Trouble sitting still, such as trouble sitting in one place for too long, sitting at a desk job for long periods, sitting through a movie
19. (4) An internal sense of anxiety or nervousness

Impulsivity
20. (2) Impulsive, in words and/or actions (spending)
21. (2) Say just what comes to mind without considering its impact (tactless)
22. (3) Trouble going through established channels, trouble following proper procedure, an attitude of "read the directions when all else fails"
23. (2) Impatient, low frustration tolerance
24. (2) A prisoner of the moment
25. (2) Frequent traffic violations
26. (3) Frequent, impulsive job changes
27. (1) Tendency to embarrass others
28. (3) Lying or stealing on impulse

Poor Organization
29. (4) Poor organization and planning, trouble maintaining an organized work/living area
30. (4) Chronically late or chronically in a hurry
31. (4) Often have piles of stuff
32. (3) Easily overwhelmed by tasks of daily living
33. (2) Poor financial management (late bills, check book a mess, spending unnecessary money on late fees)
34. (3) Some adults with ADD are very successful, but often only if they are surrounded with people who organize them.

Problems Getting Started and Following Through
35. (4) Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started
36. (3) Starting projects but not finishing them, poor follow through
37. (3) Enthusiastic beginnings but poor endings
38. (3) Spends excessive time at work because of inefficiencies
39. (4) Inconsistent work performance

Negative Internal Feelings
40. (4) Chronic sense of underachievement, feeling you should be much further along in your life than you are
41. (3) Chronic problems with self-esteem
42. (3) Sense of impending doom
43. (3) Mood swings
44. (3) Negativity
45. (3) Frequent feeling of demoralization or that things won't work out for you

Relational Difficulties
46. (4) Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships, promiscuity
47. (3) Trouble with intimacy
48. (2) Tendency to be immature
49. (2) Self-centered; immature interests
50. (2) Failure to see others' needs or activities as important
51. (4) Lack of talking in a relationship
52. (2) Verbally abusive to others
53. (2)Proneness to hysterical outburst
54. (4) Avoids group activities
55. (4) Trouble with authority

Short Fuse
56. (2) Quick responses to slights that are real or imagined
57. (2) Rage outbursts, short fuse

Frequent Search For High Stimulation
58. (2) Frequent search for high stimulation (bungee jumping, gambling, race track, high stress jobs, ER doctors, doing many things at once, etc.)
59. (1) Tendency to seek conflict, be argumentative or to start disagreements for the fun of it

Tendency To Get Stuck (thoughts or behaviors)
60. (2) Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly
61. (2) Tendency toward addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, work)

Switches Things Around
62. (1) Switches around numbers, letters or words
63. (1) Turn words around in conversations

Writing/Fine Motor Coordination Difficulties
64. (2) Poor writing skills (hard to get information from brain to pen)
65. (1) Poor handwriting, often prints
66. (1) Coordination difficulties

The Harder I Try The Worse It Gets
67. (1) Performance becomes worse under pressure.
68. (2) Test anxiety, or during tests your mind tends to go blank
69. (2) The harder you try, the worse it gets
70. (1) Work or schoolwork deteriorates under pressure
71. (2) Tendency to turn off or become stuck when asked questions in social situations
72. (4) Falls asleep or becomes tired while reading

Sleep/Wake Difficulties
73. (4) Difficulties falling asleep, may be due to too many thoughts at night
74. (4) Difficulty coming awake (may need coffee or other stimulant or activity before feeling fully awake)

Low Energy
75. (4) Periods of low energy, especially early in the morning and in the afternoon
76. (4) Frequently feeling tired

Sensitive To Noise Or Touch
77. (2) Startles easily
78. (1) Sensitive to touch, clothes, noise and light

When you have completed the above checklist, calculate the following:
1.Total Score: _193_
2.Total Number of Items with a score of three (3) or more: 37
3.Score for Item #1: ___1____
4.Score for Item #6: ___3____
5.Score for Item #7: ___3____
Dr. Amen suggests: "More than 20 items with a score of three or more indicates a strong tendency toward ADD. Items 1, 6, and 7 are essential to make the diagnosis."

There's a big possibility that I do have it. Or maybe this is just escapism and I want to justify the way I am to a 'disorder' I might have. This is something fairly new to Pinoy culture, though. During childhood, this could be easily overlooked by parents and doctors and dismissed as how a child would normally act. Like, “It's just normal for him to be talkative, fidgety, unfocused or bratty, he's just a child. He'll outgrow it.”

Do you think you have ADD too?

ADD checklist

All about ADHD on video

btw, the guy in this video is so HOT! hahaha.

Moving on.

2006-10-12T02:12:00.000+08:00

When a relationship ends, moving on is one of the hardest things to do. I'm not talking about a relationship with a person, that kind of moving on is easy to do. How do you move on when your relationship with something intangible ends?

I'm talking about UPSCA. And the life I had when I was still an active member. My "active" connection with UPSCA ended in 2001. It's been 5 years already, and I still feel like I'm UPSCA's bitter boyfriend who's still not ready to move on. I've talked to some UPSCAns about this and they've all told me the same thing: I have to move on. I have to deal with it.

And that's what I did. I dealt with it. But my way of dealing with it wasn't good. I tried to forget UPSCA. Don't get me wrong. I love UPSCA. But everytime I think of all the good and happy memories I had with UPSCA, I always go through this sadness that lasts for days. What an irony. Maybe because of regret of not being able to experience it again. Probably because UPSCA made me feel so good, too good that I ended up being hurt. So because of this, my 25 years of wisdom dictated the only thing that I should do: forget UPSCA and all the memories you left behind. My brain says I should do that. My heart says I shouldn't. And I'm more inclined to follow what my brain says to keep myself from getting hurt.

I couldn't get myself to really do it, though. UPSCA is still here with me. And all the good memories. And yes, the sadness too.

Pinoy Tattlers and Matchmaking 2

2006-10-11T00:56:00.000+08:00

So, back to the pinoy tattlers. I realized that this trait is something that we will never ever get rid of. There would always be cliques and groups talking about each other, backstabbing others as if they need that to live. So enough of that. It just all boils down to this: I live with a bunch of chismosos and chismosas; and Pinoy gossipmongering gets worse overseas. Talk about crab mentality (that is one more topic that I have to tackle. Pinoy crab mentality abroad just makes me want to be Japanese. Why japanese? Wala lang, I think they're hot).

And then we go to Pinoy Matchmaking. In our small group of pinoys, there are: 3 couples, 3 married guys with Vietnamese girlfriends, and me, the single guy. For the past year and a half that I've been here, they've done everything just to get me a girlfriend, Filipino or Vietnamese. One has brought me to a coffee shop where you go to get blowjobs (I've always wondered why they only served softdrinks and not coffee). Another introduced me to a woman who 'took advantage of me'. And then they introduced me to this nice and proper Vietnamese girl who I believe they've briefed and gave instructions to flirt with me before she came to meet me. I'll just talk about this 'nice and proper Vietnamese girl' since that incident irked me the most. I wasn't irked at the poor innocent girl but at that Filipina bitch who kept on playing matchmaker.

So there was a gathering of sorts and the Vietnamese girl was one of the guests. Let's call her Phuong. When Phuong arrived, bitch introduced her to me. We were sitting near each other so the natural tendency was for us to talk. So that's what we did, we talked and talked. For those who know me, I don't like to talk that much and I usually run out of things to talk about. And that happened with Phuong and myself. So naturally, I tried to ditch her discreetly. I did that a few times. And everytime the Pinoys I was with saw that I wasn't with Phuong, they would start jeering at me. And then the passive me would then be forced to crawl back to little miss Phuong. At the end of the day we took pictures and Phuong and I exchanged email addresses since she had to send me some pictures she took. When we all parted, the Pinoys asked me if I asked Phuong for her phone number so that we could go out on a date. I didnt ask Phuong for her mobile number, but I told them I did, so they'd just shut up.

After a few weeks, I meet bitch in another gathering. She asks me how Phuong is. I told her I didn't know. I never sent her an sms or an email. Then she starts yakking about how she was with Phuong the other day and she was asking Phuong about me. Phuong told her that she has no idea what I've been up to since she hasn't received any emails from me. I thought to myself, 'then why the hell is this bitch asking me about Phuong if she already saw her the other day?'. Before anyone can make fun of me because I didnt contact that 'nice Vietnamese girl', I just smiled at the bitch and walked away.

I know this story doesn't really make any sense. I just want to vent it out. Some ~~people~~ bitches just don't know how to mind their own business. I try to keep my business to myself. I just wish other people also have the sensibility to do the same.

I know the dark and juicy secrets of the people within our group. You know, when I think of those little secrets they are keeping, my secret of being gay doesn't seem bad compared to their secrets.

Philosophizing death.

2006-10-10T04:24:00.000+08:00

May 2, 2006

The one thing I fear most right now is death.

I was reading a sci-fi book on my way back to the city when the narrative mentioned the year 2059. That got me thinking how old I was going to be by that time. And then I realized how short life was. I felt I could not breathe. I felt the space around me getting tighter and tighter. There I was, alone on the bus seat in panic and coming to grips with reality. I wanted to cry that time about how unfair everything is. Why can’t we live longer? I thought about how lucky vampires are. Silly as it may seem, I envied them eventhough I know they do not exist. I thought about how this same fear drove other people to search for eternal life. I could only imagine the hopelessness they must have felt when they realized that it was impossible.

I wish I could believe in the eternal life. But I don’t. I still have my doubts. In analyzing my fear of death, I realized that it was not brief existence that scared me the most. It was the mere idea of losing conciousness and ceasing to exist. You could say that death is just like sleeping, except that in sleep you lose consciousness and the subconscious then takes over. But what about death? What happens when you finally close your eyes? As your brain slowly stops functioning, what happens to your consciousness? What happens to you?

Slumbook Entry: My first time with a gir- - no, woman.

2006-10-10T04:20:00.000+08:00

Feb 5, 2006

now i wrote this half-sober and half-awake and still shocked at what i just did the previous evening.

------

In terms of sexual experiences I have now experienced the best (or is it?) of both worlds.

I just fucked a ~~girl~~ woman last night. An older woman. She said she was 27, but I don’t believe her. But I still said I believed her out of politeness. Some of you may say, ‘eeewww, kumakain ka ng tahong??’. Haha, I know. I also still can’t believe that I did it, but I did. It’s not as gross as you would think. It’s like you’re just kissing someone that happens to be a woman; you’re just licking and sucking rather larger nipples (which is good since locating the actual nipples is so much easier as compared to a man’s); and, you’re just fucking another (not so tight) hole.

Why did it happen? Here comes the age-old excuse: we were both drunk. Well, she was drunk and I was tipsy. I mean, what was I supposed to do? She was all over me, it would be impolite to refuse and it would just embarrass her. You’d probably say, what kind of fucking lame-ass excuse is that? Hehe, I know. But hey, I was curious! And now I know.

So I was thinking, I think I better make a sort of like/dislike list for both sides.

Woman (like)

Big nipples, easier to find.
Big breast, easier to mash and play around with. Plus, they’re soft.
Soft lips.
A hole that is easier to locate and plug. No more need for foreplay and conditioning to relax the muscles. Also, more sensation.

Woman (dislike)

No facial hair (stubble). I like the rough feeling when I am kissing someone.
No penis. I love to suck.
No hairy armpits. Turnoff.
Hole is not tight. And not as warm.
Everything is wet and squishy down there. Plus, I don’t like the idea of my thing smelling like someone’s urine. Ew. The idea of my tongue going down there makes me puke.

Man (like)

Penis!!!
Facial hair adds more sensation while kissing.
Hairy armpits you could bury your face into.
Hairy legs that are the best to do footsies with.
Lovetrail. Is that what it’s called? I’m talking about the hair that trails from the pubes to the belly button.
Less stinky genitals. And less squishy too. Also, you have more things to play around with down there. No need to stick your tongue in a cave to look for something to pleasurize (ed. Pleasurize – act of giving pleasure).
Tight and warm hole. Feels like home.

Man (dislike)

Musky crotch area.
Hair butt hole. Not good for those who like to rim.
Hard to find nipples. I don’t like using my fingers to look for them first before licking them.
Hole needs maintenance. First you have to clean. Then you have to lubricate. Then you have to relax and prepare it.
Hole is harder to penetrate. Must be a two-way thing: the person needs to be relaxed before you can get it. Not like a woman where you can just spread the legs and then get inside.

There. It seems the winner is still, what else? Of course men!!! I am not that crazy to completely jump over to the other side, hehe. I was just curious and that is all to that. But if the opportunity comes again, why not?

Mula sa Baul: Brokeback Mountain Musings

2006-10-10T04:19:00.000+08:00

Feb 19, 2006

Housemate: Nalungkot ka?

Me: Oo, napaluha nga ako eh, pero isang luha lang. (sabay ngiti)

Pero sa loob-loob ko, sana di ko na lang sya napanood.

Just finished watching Brokeback Mountain. I was eager to see what the hype was all about. But of course, all my excitement was damped since I was living with a heterosexual couple who doesn’t have any idea of my sexuality. I wanted to watch it alone, before watching it with them. But as we were eating lunch in front of the television, they started picking through the heap of dvds we have, trying to decide which movie we were going to watch for the afternoon. I was silently praying they wouldn’t choose Brokeback Mountain. But they did. Shit. So as I put the dvd in the disc tray and pressed play, I held my breath trying to brace myself for what we were gonna see.

Now this was a straight couple, okay. I expected them to blurt out gay jokes and giggle at some of the scenes. And they didn’t disappoint me. Nothing else for me to do but throw in a smirk and a comment once in a while.

All I can say is this is a good movie. I can’t understand what all the hype I’ve been hearing was about. It is just another gay movie. But one of the saddest movies I’ve ever seen. I wish I didn’t watch it today. I don’t regret ever watching it, but I wish I watched it with someone I cared for. At least this heavy feeling inside my chest would be directed to that person and would translate to wild and passionate sex afterwards. Haha.

Pinoy Tattlers and Matchmaking

2006-10-09T17:08:00.000+08:00

I don't know what it is with Filipinos and gossiping. I really wasn't that concerned about gossiping back in Manila. Only now have I been really affected by it. Not because I am the one involved in the gossip currently going around, but because it really doesn't help the local Filipino community.

I especially hate it when straight, macho men do the gossiping. Like, hello? you gossip like there's no tomorrow and then you go and make fun of gay people ( ie mimic boy abunda).

I share a house with other Filipinos. Though they're not really the kind of people I would like to hang-out with (they're all straight), I have to force myself to get along with them. I've been doing that for the past year and a half. It's a really tough job. Hehe. So let's call me and my housemates the Thursday Group. Now, Thursday Group is friends with another group of people, the Friday Group. Thursday Group and Friday Group seem to get along fine. They get together for weekend barbecues and drinking sessions and go together to explore the city. But when Friday Group finally leaves and Thursday Group is left alone, they start talking about the Friday Group. Me, being part of the group, must listen and make my own comments, further fueling the fire that is the mockery of the other group. That really doesn't make me feel good, so most of the time I just say, 'oo nga' or just smirk.

...
...

I've lost my train of thought.